Why must I be so hard-headed?

Yesterday I had big plans!!! A day I envisioned to be filled with lots of fun, laughter and memories. None, zilch, not one of my plans happened. Needless to say, I was heart-broken. I was left to sit and stew over my sad state of affairs. I allowed lots of negativity flood my mind. I questioned myself as to why? Why was I trying so hard? Why did I even care? Why was I allowing all this to happen? Why do I even bother? Why? Why? Why? Yes I was basically pouting and having a good old fashion pity party for one. 

In the mist of this party, a visitor showed up at my door. Out of the blue, no prior phone call, no advanced planning.  One of my closest friends, whom I don't get to see much, popped in to see me. We sat and caught up on all the news for a little over an hour. As I walked her to her car, I told her I knew God had sent her by today and I explained to her why I felt that way. In acknowledging that, I felt the weight of the burdens starting to lift... that was until I walked back into the gloom and doom that hung in the air of my home. I allowed it to surround me again.

I carried and stewed over my feelings till I forced myself to bed at 2am. I awoke feeling drained and tired. How heavy my burdens still seemed this morning.  In my stubborn, hard headed way I was still stewing over how hurt I still felt and started to reminisce about the visit from my friend. I suddenly realized that she had shared with me some sad shocking news about a mutual friend and his family and that I had not taken the time to pray for them. How could I have not done this when they mean so much to me and they were in desperate need of my prayers? I immediately went to prayer for them and also asked God for forgiveness in not thanking Him for sending my friend to my rescue. After praying, my burdens are lifting. I am now able and ready to lay them in His hands and let him work it out.

I know that you may not see my friend's unplanned visit as God's work, but I do. She may not have realized it either. God knows our hearts. He knows our pain and struggles. He knows how to reach out to us to help. He often answers prayers before we even pray for them. Thank you God for loving me in spite of  hard headed stubborn self!!

Today I learned...

- that often times I am harder on myself than I need to be. That the guilt and anguish I often feel is really just the Devil playing with my emotions and keeping me held hostage from the true happiness that God wants me to experience.

- that the saying "forgive and forget" is a man made quote not scripture. That when I forgive it is for my benefit not the offenders. That when I forgive I am saying... "You owe me nothing. I owe you nothing. That you can not hold this over me anymore." I don't have to forget it but I have to be able to say "Enough! I will not let you or this memory hold me down!"

- that God loves me MORE than I love my own child! WOW that's a lot!!

- that when I ask for forgiveness of sins that it is truly forgiven. I do not have to keep asking forgiveness over and over. That I need to learn to forgive myself. To let it go.

- that if all I really have to give is 10%... that it is ok. If I have extra sometimes that is a gift that He can multiply more times than we can count.

- and lastly, that God knows my struggles, He knows my faults, and He loves me anyways.

Judge not...

Lately my mind has been on over drive, trying to sort through daily happenings, one crisis or another,  but tonight it take an unexpected detour. Not sure why but maybe I just needed to reflect on some of the relationships I have had in my life.

Growing up, I was not the most popular kid nor was I one of the prettiest. I didn't play sports nor was I a cheerleader. I didn't have an over abundance of friends but I had a few friends.  I was mostly known as my little brother's sister and still am to this day.  But tonight I wondered... why do some of the people who judged me so harshly then now want to be my facebook friend?  Children and teens are quick to judge. I guess its the silliness of youth or simply the not knowing how are actions then would reflect on them later.
 
We are taught in the Bible to not judge.  This had me thinking ...  had I pre-judged or passed judgment on some of the people in my life, because they were different from me in one fashion or other,  I would have truly missed out on some great relationships and friendships. My life would not have been as blessed and as full as it is today.  My life is filled with people of all races, life styles, cultures, religions, young, old, rich and not so rich. 

Now the biggest question is... how many relationships and friendships have I let get away because I was playing Judge? Oh the mind is a terrible thing when it is left to wonder.....

Blessing Received

As most of you know, we have been waiting for the day David was to be laid off... looks like this is the week. He will be applying for unemployment but we are so worried, that it will not be enough to cover the health insurance and the groceries. Thankfully we have a cabinet and freezer full but there are some things you just cant stock up on.  We have been praying and trying to not panic. We have faith that it will all work out somehow, but its still scary. 

Have you ever wondered if God really listens and hears prayers? I do and yet I know he does. Putting all your faith in Him is a hard thing to do sometimes even when you know in your heart that He has your back and He will make a way. Then there are times that if YOU are paying attention and if YOU are listening to God, He will show YOU signs that He hears your prayers that He has YOU covered!! He did just that for us!!

David had gone to pick a few groceries yesterday. While in line to pay for them, an elderly lady told him to put his money away that SHE was paying for the groceries. He kindly told her that it was ok he could pay for them. She looked at him and said, "If you don't let me pay, then you are taking away MY blessing." What could he say to that? Who was he to deny her that? He hugged and thanked her three times before leaving.

When he got home and told me his story, I knew immediately God was letting us know He was in control of this situation and that it was going to be ok. I also knew that God was working on David too. It is often times when your back is to the wall that God does his best work.  I also know that sweet dear kind lady received her blessing and she has her own story to tell others.

Some may say that I have this incident all wrong. That it was not an answer or sign. That it was just a little lady being nice. To those who doubt what I say, I say to you ... Then you don't know MY God! Would you like to meet him?

Life ....

Life is hard. Life is complicated. Yet life is a wonderful experience. Life is meant to be lived, explored and embraced. Life is filled with up and downs, highs and lows, hopes and despairs.

There is no set explanation of life or even instructions on how to live life, for it is different for each person.  How boring would life be if everyone lived the same life? Pretty darn boring.

We are given this life to live. We are only given so many days. It is up to us to use those days in ways that only we can decide. Yes, some have lives that were changed in ways they could not control. It is still up to them how they choose to live those days after.

The bible says we are not promised tomorrow. So how will you live your life today? How will you be remembered when your days have come to an end? Will you be remembered for your wealth? You bad ways? Your good deeds? Your smile? Your laugh? Will people even remember you?

No, we should not live our lives to please others. We should in fact, live our lives to please God and to live in such a way that others see Christ and His amazing love and grace through us. Does this mean you should be a bible thumping, corner screaming christian? Well hey, I say, that is between you and God.  There are lots of ways to share God's love with others. Even the smallest gestures can speak volumes!

So live your life! Enjoy each day you are given! Smile at a stranger! Hug your children and loved ones! Be extra kind to the elderly! Say "I love you!" more, even if you don't hear it in return!

Enjoy your day!!

New dawn, new day, new chapter, turn the page

Its a new dawn, new day, new chapter, turn the page. What will I write in my journal of life today?

Those two thoughts woke me this morning. After a rather long and difficult day yesterday and an emotional night, I woke with a lot on my mind. Comments and sayings began to flood my mind. Ones I have heard over and over all my life. I guess it was my minds way of saying ... you are dealing with a lot right now but it will be ok. Was it my sub-conscience mind or something else?

I gave up the battle of trying to go back to sleep, got up and said, "Ok God, I'm up. Let me start the coffee and we will talk."

Here are some of the "life lessons" I will write in my journal today.

- We live in a country of free speech. We live in a country where we are able to live and do as we choose.
- Life is hard and unfair sometimes, learn to deal with it.
- Sometimes you have to pick your battles and learn to let go of those you can't win.
- We all have our crosses to bare. Some are heavier than others.
- We can choose our mates, spouses, friends and our pets but we can't chose our families.
- Put brain in gear before putting mouth in motion.
- Wouldn't it be great if chat forums came with a sarcasm button?
- Wouldn't it be great in life if you could hit control, alt, delete and get a do over?
- There are people out there that are just clueless.
- Sometimes no matter how hard you try you can't make people love you and visa versa.
- There are people out there that talk out of both sides of their mouth.
- That it is often easier to forgive than forget.
- Sometimes when trying to spare someone's feelings by not telling the truth, it can actually cause more hurt and harm than the truth will.
- No matter how much we want someone to change, if they don't want too, it ain't happening.
- God made us different for a reason!
- It is not for us to judge! Judge not least ye be judged.
- Sometimes we have to learn our own lessons the hard way.
- That all a child/teen really wants is to be love, know love and feel love.
- All families are dysfunctional in one way or the other.
- Never under-estimate the power of "I'm sorry!"
- You have to endure the rain to enjoy the rainbow!
- A hug does a soul good!
- There was one perfect person and the crucified him!!

Yes life is hard and difficult at times. Yes we will face our own battles and demons today. Yes we all mess up. Yes some will forgive us, some won't. All we can really do is live each day as Godly as we can. Continue to pray for forgiveness. Pray for those we have hurt and those who have hurt us. Yes I know that is a hard one to do... trust me I know!! But it is what the Bible commands us to do.

So as I finish my coffee and my chat with God this morning, I will wash my face and face this new day, new chapter with a smile.

As I Mature... (a cute funny)

This was posted in my email and thought it was too cute to not share.

Puzzles

Last night, I became lost in my thoughts and this thought came to me... just because you find a missing piece to a puzzle doesn't mean the puzzle is complete.  Was it an epiphany or was it something God wanted me to know.

Sometimes life can be compared to a puzzle.  Our lives begin in a box, the womb. When we are born our pieces are dumped out... so begins our journey of putting the pieces together to form our lives. Each new adventure... each new event... each new day is another piece of the puzzle.

As we get older and experience the events of growing up, getting married, having children and living our lives, we may think or feel our puzzle is complete. Life is good, we are happy, what more could possibly be added to our puzzle? Grandchildren possibly?

Then there are the times when something happens and our puzzles become torn apart and some pieces are removed, scattered and/or lost. We begin to rebuild our puzzles, adding the new pieces as they come. Sometimes the pieces fit, sometimes they don't. We try again. Eventually all the pieces come together once again.  We even find surprise pieces we didn't know were missing. Life is once again good and complete.

Someone asked me if we really do find all the pieces to the puzzle and my response was... I do believe some people are lucky enough to find all the pieces. It just depends on how many pieces you choose for your puzzle to have.

May your puzzle have all the pieces it needs to make to become a masterpiece... worthy of hanging on the wall for all to see.  



Epiphany - a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

God's gentle reminders

There are just some emails that keep popping up in our email accounts over and over and over ... for years. They are sent by the sender either because they are just now seeing it or because there is a paragraph at the end of it that says it will bring you back luck or the ole shameful... dare to deny Christ... hook.

Lately, I have had one that has been popping in a lot. I admit, I have been deleting it, because I have already read it at least 20 times. For some reason this morning, I opened it. I read it. I even prayed and thanked the good Lord for my lesson learned. I even said a little pray for the person who sent it. If I had brushed this one off again, I would have missed the gentle reminder that I needed to know... I'm not alone in this thing called everyday life.

Sometimes I tend to bite off more than I can chew and before I know it, I feel so burdened. I sometimes wonder, what have I gotten myself into? I lose focus at times and I try to remind myself this was something I felt I had to do at the time and I need to carry it to the end.

But God, in his infinite grace and love, will send me reminders that I'm not alone. That he is there, walking along side of me. He offers strength and courage when needed. He reminds me, He still loves me... even when I mess up and get in over my head.

I am thankful for having been blessed with a patient Mother and a forgiving God. For without them, I may have never made it this far in life.

I have posted the email here. May you find what you need from it and may it bless you like it has blessed me.

May the good Lord shower you in blessings this day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Ant and the Contact Lens

Brenda was a young woman who was invited to go

Rock climbing. Although she was very scared, she

Went with her group to a tremendous granite

Cliff... In spite of her fear, she put on the

Gear, took hold of the rope, and started up

The face of that rock.

Well, she got to a ledge where she could take a

Breather. As she was hanging on there, the

Safety rope snapped against Brenda's eye and

Knocked out her contact lens.

Well, here she is, on a rock ledge, with

Hundreds of feet below her and hundreds of feet

Above her. Of course, she looked and looked

And looked, hoping it had landed on the ledge,

But it just wasn't there.

Here she was, far from home, her sight now

Blurry. She was desperate and began to get

Upset, so she prayed to the Lord to help her to

Find it.

When she got to the top, a friend examined her

Eye and her clothing for the lens, but there was

No contact lens to be found. She sat down,

Despondent, with the rest of the party, waiting

For the rest of them to make it up the face of

The cliff..

She looked out across range after range of

Mountains, thinking of that verse that says, "The

Eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the

Whole earth..." She thought, "Lord, You can see

All these mountains. You know every stone and

Leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is.

Please help me."

Finally, they walked down the trail to the

Bottom. At the bottom there was a new party of

Climbers just starting up the face of the cliff.

One of them shouted out, "Hey, you guys!

Anybody lose a contact lens?"

Well, that would be startling enough, but you

Know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving

Slowly across the face of the rock, carrying it

On it's back.

Brenda told me that her father is a cartoonist.

When she told him the incredible story of the

Ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew

a picture of an ant lugging that contact lens

With the words, "Lord, I don't know why You want

Me to carry this thing. I can't eat it, and

it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You

Want me to do, I'll carry it for You."

I think it would probably do some of us good to

Occasionally say, "God, I don't know why you

Want me to carry this load. I can see no good

In it and it's awfully heavy. But, if you want

Me to carry it, I will."

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the

Called. Yes, I do love GOD. He is my source of

Existence and my Savior. He keeps me functioning

Each and every day. Without Him, I am nothing,

But with Him...I can do all things through

Christ which strengthens me. (Phil. 4:13)

A true story by Josh and Karen Zarandona

Kathy... The Mother Hen

Someone asked me tonight, "Why do you have to go to Mississippi?" "Why do you take care of people who are not your responsibility?"

I sat and thought for a long time what my answer would be. How would I answer these questions in such a way that they made sense. I had to really ask myself... why do I do what I do?

All my life it seems I have been taking care of people and things. I think it was instilled in me from a very early age. My mother was a nurse, so I watched her take care of people. I watched her take care of her mother. I watched my aunt take care of children who weren't hers long before she had one of her own. My aunt mowed the yard of an elderly lady for years. I watched these two women take care of things, people, and each other. Often times there was never any money involved. It seemed they did it because they wanted to.

I have seen both these women cry because the people who should have been caring for the ones they were caring for said mean things to them or showed them disrespect. But they never stopped caring for the ones who needed them.

You can say I learned by example. When I was little, all I ever wanted to be was a mom. Nothing else. It's what I do. It's all I know how to do. I take care of people. I mother people. Everyone I have ever worked for or with will tell you the same thing. I even help the elderly in stores and sometimes have long conversations with them. I often think what if I'm the only person who talked to them that day.

I don't do it for a pat on the back. I don't do it for money. I don't do it for the recognition. I don't do it expecting anything in return. I do it because something inside tells me to do it. I guess that is why I actually like cleaning houses for people. Yeah the money is good, but deep inside I know I am helping someone out. I'm taking care of something for them.

I have often wondered if this was my purpose in life. Is this the talent God gave me? I don't really know, but just in case it is, I hope I make Him proud. Because this is who I am and a small part of what makes me ... me.

The lesson dust bunnies taught me

While doing fall cleaning on my bedroom today, which had been horribly neglected lately, I became very aggravated, and just down right irritated. It seemed nothing was going right and I didn't feel I was making any headway.

The new vacuum, I received last Christmas, just didn't seem to be doing the job it should have been doing. I discovered it was jammed packed with dust, dirt, and debris. David and I took it outside where we cleaned, wiped, and washed everything. We put it all back together, and it looked brand new again. Plugged it in, turned it on, and it still didn't perform like I thought it should. I was ready to throw in the towel, give up. Ready to fix a mixed drink and call it a day.

Decided I would have a glass of water and cool down. Silently talking to myself, giving a little pep talk. I clean for a living, why should I have such hard time with mine?? It was then it hit me, my bedroom and I had a lot in common today.

This room and I are dirty, dusty, disorganized, and in need of a good deep cleaning. As I fought with the dust bunnies and cat hair, I found myself becoming overwhelmed. It seemed that I wasn't making any head way. The equipment and supplies I used just didn't seem to be helping. The yelling and fussing didn't help either. As I sat there cooling off with the water, I also realized that I am the same way with myself.

Seems no matter what I do to change the things I feel are wrong with me and to fix the things I feel are wrong in my life, I am met with the same obstacles. The things I use, the supplies, the equipment, nothing seems to work at times. I feel just as overwhelmed at times as I do today. I can yell, scream, fuss, cuss, and throw a damn hissy fit and still feel like I'm not making any headway.

When the water was gone, I walked back into my room and realized the half that was done really did look good, clean, and pretty once more.

Maybe that's what my self needs, a break from me. Give the self criticizing a rest. May be the next time I walk back in front of a mirror I will look good, clean, and pretty once more.

Crying wolf

We all know the fable of the little boy who cried wolf, but what if the fable were real life? How would you handle it?

What if someone constantly cried out about how bad their life was and how sick they were? Would you take it to heart each time? What if their complaint seemed trivial compared to your own ailments or life? Would you still feel compassion for them?

It can truly be hard to give sympathy and have compassion for someone who constantly complains over things we find trivial and minor. We want to shake them and say, "Hey get a life!" or "Get off your duff and do something about it!" For some of us, that is easy to do. For others, its not so easy. We sit and listen. We offer words of encouragement and advise. Sometimes its accepted, sometimes it falls on deaf ears and other times its met with anger.

No, we don't always know how bad things are for a person, how bad they really hurt or just how sick they really may be. Only they and God know.

So for now, we listen - we encourage - we hold our tongues - we pray for those who cry wolf. Because as we have learned from the fable, one day it could be the real thing.

The power of 13

Do you believe in the power of numbers?

Seems like the number 13 has become my sisters lucky number. This number keeps popping up in different ways for her. For example:

There will be 13 yrs between her two children.
There will be 13 yrs between her boyfriends oldest child and this baby.
It took 13 years for sister and her boyfriend to get back together.
There is 13 years between my sister and I.
There is 13 yrs between her and her oldest brother.
Her mom was 31 when she had her (13 backwards)
She will be 31 when she has this baby.
She saw the baby in the 13th week. (ultrasound)
Baby is due March 13th (3-13-10) 3+10=13

Any one wanna take bets that the weight will somehow be tied to the number 13 too? I will keep you posted!!

Reflection

Have you ever been in the middle of a mundane chore and gotten so far into your own thoughts that you become oblivious to the things around you? I have on many occasions. Its when I seem to do my best thinking, planning, plotting and self discovery.

Today, as I was standing outside staining the boards that will soon become my new pergola, I began reflecting back on my morning and some of the things I had read on my face book page. On there is a quiz about me. Ten little simple questions with multiple choice answers. Well it seems no one, not even my son, has gotten the questions right. The last question is the one everyone misses. The question asked if I was at a party what would I most likely be doing. Everyone choose dancing. The answer I choose was cleaning. This got me to thinking... am I truly the person everyone seems to think I am?

Many years ago, I was quite the little social butterfly. My weeks were filled with work and friends. My weekends also revolved around work, dances and get-togethers with family or friends. Seems every weekend there was a benefit dance or someone would have a big blow out at their home with live music. I would dance enough in one weekend to burn a weeks worth of calories and managed to stay skinny.

Nowadays, I no longer see myself as the social butterfly. I see myself as a mom, wife and business owner. I see myself as a tired old lady. Work doesn't require nice groomed hair, make up and nice clothes... no no. You will usually find me in baggy t-shirts, shorts, flip flops and hair twisted up. (even in winter) If I should happen to wear make up one day it often brings on the third degree. No, the men in my life aren't happy with the simple answer of "I wanted to feel pretty today."

So I while I was doing my staining and self discovery today I got to thinking... why should I not want to feel pretty everyday? Why not put on mascara and lipstick everyday? Why not wear my best perfume everyday? Why not wear my pretty little CZ stud earrings everyday? Why should I always sit at home and become the old woman with the old man? Why not rekindle some old friendships and have a girls night out once or twice a month? Why not meet some girlfriends at the movies to watch sappy ole chick flicks?

Would this make me any less of a mother or wife? NO
Could I do this without feeling guilty? Maybe

We will find out this coming Tuesday... going to my first girls night out. I'm excited and looking forward to seeing an old friend and meeting new ones. Will I dance? Probably not but for a couple of hours I not be the tired old lady. I will not be the cleaning lady. I will be happy, alive and looking pretty!!

Exits stage left... singing Reflection (Mulan)

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight
Back at me?
Why is my reflection someone
I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

False accusations

I learned a long time ago to never pray for patience. You pray for understanding, tolerance or anything else but never patience. Recently my patience and tolerance has been tested like no other time in my life. It seems that no matter how far I try to distance myself from the situation it finds a way to come back. Leaving a deeper more painful gash on my heart mind and soul. It has left me wanting to scream ... "Enough already!!"

As all this drama unfolds, I find myself wondering why I stand so passively by and let it happen. If this was happening to my child, husband or any other family member I would have claws bared and ready to fight to the death. But this is happening to me. I don't fight back. I don't defend myself. I just stand there and let the words thrown at me do their damage. I hold my tongue and say nothing. I stand there like a little child eyes staring at the floor, like I'm guilty of the crimes I am so falsely being accused of. How can I prove my innocense? How can I clear my name? There really is no way, its ones word against anothers. So for now I will consider the source of the drama and continue to broaden the distance from the situation. I am too tired, too busy to waste any time, energy and worry over it.

I know I will get through all this in time. I pray that in the end the one person I care most about will know I was the same person in the end as I was in the beginning.